And because, due to miscontructions of previous blogs I’ve written, I think it is an excellent place to get my blog out into the ethernet. I don’t particularly want my friends/family reading this, because some of them are a little sensitive, and others are very opinionated. I don’t want to hear their comments, online or to my face. But I’m not just writing for me. I’m writing as a freedom of expression.

Anyway! My hubby is preparing to ship out sometime in the coming month. We have a date, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone, since the date was changed twice already because too many facebook posts about it caused unease I guess. Which is a little frightening to think about because it helps cement the idea that Big Brother is indeed watching us. Conspiracy theorists take note! I’ve promised my Spc. that I’ll kept my lips zipped.

All the driving I’ve been doing to see him has really been taking a toll on me. It hasn’t been easy (or fun) trekking 7 hours every weekend to see him for maybe 36, if I’m lucky. I don’t want you, Gentle Reader, to think I have a martyr complex (although I probably do). And as I’ve said many times, it’s worth the tassle for the little bit of time we have left before he leaves.

Last weekend involved packing and trying on his body armor, which raised the question, “Do you feel more nervous or are you comforted by trying it on?”

this is not my husband, but he does have similar shades.

And strangely, putting on the armor that will be protecting his torso from IEDs and gunfire? It comforted me. In the weight and feel, and the reality of it all, I felt secure. This armor of his is heavy and solid. It covers pretty much everything of vital importance. I told him this, and that I know he doesn’t have a hero complex, he won’t do anything so incredibly stupid as try to get himself killed. I trust him, I trust his intelligence and his strength and his stamina. I have faith, even though I don’t go to church and I rarely pray. I feel Blessed. In 3 and a half years I have seen him change and grow into the man I always knew he could be.  I’m a proud armywife, and half my heart goes with him.

But the weekend wasn’t all sturm und drang. We spent Sunday playing “hipster” by sitting at the local Borders Book Store utilizing their free wifi, me working, him burning CDs. And then I hijacked him and took him to a local cider mill. We tried some yummy cider, looked at the waterfall in the back and got a dozen fresh and hot apple cider donuts. And scarfers that we are, ate 1/2 the donuts on our way back to the Love Shack. So. Good.

Monday was back to the grind, driving back in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to work on time. This coming weekend he has a 4 day pass, and I took Friday and Monday off as well for one last trip to see his son. More driving, but what else is new?

1. His passport renewal was mailed in yesterday. Why have him take his civilian passport when he has a military one issued? Because he is going to the Middle East, where US soldiers are not always welcome. If something happens and he finds himself stuck somewhere, a civilian passport might come in handy. We doubt he’ll ever use it, but would rather err on the side of caution.

2. His truck and car insurance. We are still debating on how to handle this. I guess our best bet is to call GEICO. He can get his insurance put on hold while he is overseas provided he store the truck on base somewhere. But where on base? And will they periodically start the car just to make sure it continues to run while he’s gone? Our other option is for me to somehow get it to Buffalo and “borrow” my parent’s driveway for a year. I would probably have to add his car to my insurance.

3. His online accounts. Lucky for us, he doesn’t have any credit cards or bills, aside from rent, electric, and phone. Since his last month’s rent is already paid, and I take care of his electric bill (3a. We need to cancel the electric), that leaves just the phone and his various checking accounts, credit unions, and stocks. He’s been told that he will have internet access, and while he is loathe to give me his banking information, I feel that it is important that I have it, again, just in case something happens.

4. He has given me power of attorney, and I have my military spouse ID and health insurance.

5. His possessions (aka the crap in his apartment). Because they are very limited in what they can bring over I am going to bring everything in his apartment back to Buffalo and store it in our storage units or my apartment (5a. I need the code for the one lock and the key for the other). This is our major area of WTF and how the hell are we going to do this. I guess by inventoring everything and trying to con some of my family into coming up Columbus Day weekend we should be able to get it sussed out.

6. The actual date of deployment. He doesn’t want me there. Where will I stay, I won’t be able to see him or talk to him for the few days before probably, etc., etc. But I ask you this~if your loved one was going to war, half a world away, would you be 212 miles away on his last days in the country for at least 6 months, or would you be 2 miles away, just with a 2% chance of being able to wave, or kiss him goodbye? This is non-negotiable for me. I don’t care. I have the time to take off of work, and this is not negotiable. I will be there to watch the plane that takes him away from me, just as I will be there to watch the plane that brings him home. He is my heart, he is my everything.

So now it’s a huge excitement, over planning my first “real vacation” since I can’t remember when. The last time I went somewhere to just get away was in 2005 (I think) when I took a flight voucher and flew from LA to San Francisco for 2 days by myself. Every other “vacation” I’ve had in my adult life was flying back home for a holiday or wedding. Nothing truly relaxing and peaceful and chill since Jan. 2001 when I went to London for two weeks with a tour group. So like I said, I am pretty excited. We’re going to Universal Studio’s Wizardly World of Harry Potter for sure, and I want to go to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. And relax. Sit poolside and chill.

But along with the excitement of a week away from my day-to-day grind, I feel horribly guilty. Guilty that I’m planning a week of fun and relaxation, while my husband will be overseas dealing with a new, possibly hostile culture/people, with the potential of being shot or blown up. G-U-I-L-T-Y. Part of me feels like, because he’s going off to a scary war (I can’t ever explain how awful and scared reading articles on MSN make me feel) I should live a life accordingly, almost like mourning, that I shouldn’t have too much fun, or be too happy, because he’s at war.

So how do I deal with these feelings? I know it’s got to be a relatively common occurrence for military spouses. How do they handle this? 15 months of worry, not only that he is okay, but that I’m enjoying myself too much?

Help!

Not that I didn’t meet some great people, but aside from Spc. and his family I don’t keep in touch with a single soul I met there.  Now there were some truly lovely people I met, some of them were even famous (which makes me appreciate their attitude even more!).  Hilary Swank was as down to earth and normal as a movie star could be. And if there are any Top Chef fans in the house I worked as a reservationist at Harold Dietrle’s restaurant Perilla in the Village for a couple of months. Ate there too, and can I tell you how great the food was? I really really recommend anyone that is down that way to try it. Reasonably priced and just perfect. It was a Top Three dining experience for me (following “my” vineyard/restaurant, Hillebrand (in Niagara-on-the-Lake, ONT) and COPIA in Napa Valley, CA <side note: while Googling a link to this great restaurant I was devastated to learn that it filed Chapter 11 and closed in 2008!>). Mmmm, knowing I’m going down to the “City” next month I’m tempted to convince my husband we need to splurge and have dinner there one night.

See what happens? I start talking food and get totally sidetracked. Anyway, the real reason for this post (# 2) was to explain that in order to undestand who we are today it is sometimes necessary to look back on one’s past and find those life-changing events. Meeting my Goober was one of them, and once my life slows down a little bit, I hope to do a little reminiscing and reflecting.  Not the everyday little pains and gurgles and joys, but I’m going to go back and read my old blog and see if 3 years down the road my little moments still matter as much as they did back when they happened. Call it the “weeding of my life”.

Currently we live apart, he has a small apartment outside Fort Drum, and I am living in South Buffalo.  We see each other on weekends, as much as possible, although it’s been difficult, since he has had duty everyday since July 6th. He had requested 2 weeks leave in August, so we can move our items currently in storage in Queens up to Watertown where it will be a) closer; and b) cheaper. We were not able to go on a honeymoon after our wedding in June, and would like the opportunity to just relax and bumble around for a few days on our own, maybe plan a short road trip with his son.

Hopefully that will happen, but while he’s had security detail he’s been missing some training required before his unit ships out and was told he may not get his leave because he will need to attend this training. Of course I don’t mean just him, but his entire unit.

It’s hard to plan things when married to/in a relationship with a soldier. So much of everything is last minute, and I was afraid he wouldn’t get a pass to leave base and get married! Thank goodness that worked out. But once you learn that a lot of it is last minute planning, and having back up plans set in place, it’s not all bad. Sure I’ve been doing a lot of the driving this past month, but I won’t complain because the little time we have together is better than the no time we’ll have in a few short months. And I’m so proud of my husband for what he’s doing. We both are making sacrifices to protect others.

I know many people are angry and upset over the war in Afghanistan. I am too. I think there are a number of reasons our troops are still there that don’t have much/anything to do with terrorism. That said, I know there are bad people over there, and more good people than bad, that live in fear. And no one should have to live in fear. That’s why I support our troops and my husband. They are trying to make life better for the citizens of Afghanistan. That’s what I support.

I love my husband heart and soul. He is my perfect mate. He has changed since I first met him, become a better man and I am so proud of him.